I never imagined I would be so busy with my kids and in the next couple of months, I won't be home much in the evenings. Both girls cheering basketball/wrestling and Brenden playing basketball.. Busy season ahead. But the good news is, our prayers may be finally answered at Roger's work! A new dept is forming where he'll get to not only work days, but learn a new skill. I am not getting too excited yet..

This leads me to my true thoughts. I didn't have good parenting in my teen years. I have a blind spot. I have to read and pray and ask other parents what to do or how did they do this or that. I don't plan to roll thru these years pretending I know what I'm doing. I earnestly seek help..

So, for many years I've know that the time would come to write my book. In light of the my lack of parenting/adulthood skills, I opened my emails yesterday that I haven't visited in nearly a year. It contains all the emails my Mom sent to me over the years and I sat there and read them My heart swelled, tears rolled down my cheeks as if these were mailed yesterday. Here is the email that changed my life forever and it was really hard to read yesterday. This was sent November 4, 2004.

"I know it wasn't your fault that you were born to me, a child having a child that she didn't want. I was forced to keep you. Abortion was not a option in those days, but if it was, you would have been aborted in secret. Nobody would have ever known. I believed that your spirit would be given to parents that really wanted you. I begged, pleaded with my parents to let me give you up for adoption, or have them adopt you. Their mind set was that I made my bed and now I must lie in it. Getting pregnant was a total accident. The first time in months and last time I ever had sex with Galen you were conceived, even though I was taking birth control pills. I can't hide these feelings anymore..I did not want you, and I did not love you. I grew to love you and think you were a cute little girl, but I was still begging my parents to keep you. From then on, you were nothing more than a cute little girl who was a thorn in my foot. I did all the motherly things, i.e., feed, bathe, clothe, give you nice holidays...all of the "mom" stuff. As you got older, and started telling horrible lies, I resented you. My feelings right now are you are someone I know, who has beautiful children and a husband that I, and others in the family, who's a real jerk. This was a hard letter to write, but you have a right to know how I feel. A kid, having a kid that wasn't wanted.

If one day your children would like to have relationships with me, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't even mind if you wanted to. I just needed to tell you the true facts, as I see them."


Shock waves went thru me as I read this the first time. But it confirmed what I already knew any way. You can't lie to kids about how you feel about them. Too perceptive. And I didn't lie and no one in my family thinks Roger is a jerk! She had her own interpretation for everything. And mostly, it was based in her twisted reality and mental illness. But as a little girl and even today, I've struggled with self worth. I don't believe I am loveable. And always in the back of my mind wait for the shoe to drop in every relationship. I have invisible armor on to constantly protect my heart.. That kind of sucks too...

These are heart matters. But my mind has grown sharper. I've learned to tell myself the truth, but until your heart believes it, it's only practicing and going thru the motions.

While I miss my Mom terribly and wish that we could have had many more years as friends, I am grateful for what we ended up with. Her knowing I wasn't a monster and her telling me that she did love me. And how sorry she was..

Back to my original statements. You can see in light of the words she spoke to me how difficult growing up was. And how challenging my adult life has been. I forgave her years ago. But the truth is, I think people, women, need to talk about their Moms. It seems to be a taboo subject and I want to break it out. I wish I could find a writing partner to help me get this out..